Sky News is for the Birds...

I used to enjoy the news. Even the bad news. Because at least it was well-formulated and thought through. And, this being the most important fact when it comes to news, it was new. But it seems that with greater access to various media comes a spreading out of content - a measly thin smear of facts and opinion that are recycled endlessly.

Okay, maybe that's not fair. If you want analysis and detail, you can find it in vomit-inducing quantities. On Sky News. It's like they choose one top story for that day (or week) and drag it out so slowly it's like watching a shy stripper. The biggest news of 2010 (according to them, at least) is the engagement of Prince William to Kate Middleton. Alright, so royal nuptials don't just happen every day. It is news-worthy, especially to a British audience. But, my oh my, the details that have emerged.

I know so much about the engagement and the upcoming wedding that I am starting to believe I am Kate's best friend and that my invitation is surely in the mail. I know about the ring that was Princess Di's. I know she picked it in 1981 as her engagement ring from Prince Charles. I know that some believe the ring belonged to Harry, but that he let his brother have it. I know that the Queen is hosting the reception at Buckingham Palace. I know Prince Charles will be hosting a special dinner after said reception. I know they will tie the royal knot (sounds like something a sailor would do on Her Majesty's Yacht, 'Secure it with the Royal Knot, yer moron!') on April 29 2011. The list goes on.

The ring, in case you missed it.

And it's not because I am a fan. It's because I left the TV on too long, and somehow it all became addictive watching. Everything is breaking news. I can't wait for the ticker tape to read 'BREAKING NEWS: Kate chooses chicken over turducken for the wedding menu' and think 'Good girl, Kate. I knew you'd listen to me. Everybody eats chicken.'

Ca$hing In

I have nothing against mindless consumerism, full-blown capitalism or the freedom of speech. However, there is one person on this planet that has me convinced we'd be better off in Stalinist Russia.

Ke$ha. She of the dollar sign in her name, and of 'tick tock' fame. You know, she sings like she talks, which gives you an spine-chilling idea of what a conversation with her would be like. She fails miserably as a singer. She sounds like an airhead from a show like The Hills. She fails as a songwriter (assuming she writes her own songs, which is unlikely. But then she fails to choose decent songs.) I could barely tolerate this bimbo when she burst into our lives with her 'bottle of Jack'. Then I had to put up with 'Your Love is my Drug', which made me wish heroin (or some other incredibly addictive and destructive chemical) was actually her drug. And, lastly, she fails as a human being. Putting herself out into the world proudly for the next generation of girls to look up to and boys to lust after is just plain wrong.

And now there's 'We R Who We R'. You can witness humanity's certain downfall yourself in her new video (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mXvmSaE0JXA) Her glitter-caked, spaced-out eyes, the nose ring, the crucifix-earring in one ear, all the gold and the kitsch glitz. And the lyrics. Oh, for shame. From 'You don't wanna mess with us / I've got Jesus on my necklace' to making up words 'Looking sick and sexy-fied'.

It's, like, me, only sexy-fied.

And if I wanted to listen to a blonde attention-whore, Lady Gaga is by far the cleverer and more talented of the two. She at least gets that while bubblegum pop is brainless, it doesn't have to mean your fans are brain dead.