Will you be my Valentine Bunny?

I started this blog with an entry about a stuffed foodstuff known as the Turducken. I explained that even though it was October, I could just about handle the fact that in every mall it was already Christmas.

Forget that.

It is February, yes? So I am okay with the Valentine's Day displays in the shops (never minding that they were up since early January). It is a time when transactional love is not only legal in this country, but encouraged. What would you do for a chocolate-coated, marshmallow heart? Or should that be, what would you not do?

Perfect ValentineEaster garb

My problem, though, is that although the front of this particular store is all about V-Day, and though the red splatter of cards and candy looks like someone killed their fairy godmother in Woolies, something sinister lurks just inside the dairy aisle. The only rodent you wouldn't mind seeing in a food store. Of course, the Easter Bunny.

Lo, right there opposite the yoghurts, is an entire homage to chocolate eggs, chickens and bunnies. This in February. My mind is confused: which is more important? The two days compete in my brain for the title of What I Really Don't Care About Most. Who does their Easter shopping in February anyway? And if it's there just for impulse buying, who really craves chocolate specifically hollow and in egg-form?

They may as well create one huge event all-year round (and marketers could sell, sell, sell this to the hilt):

Happy NewYearValentineSt.Patricks'DayEasterSecretary'sDayWomen'sDayThanksgivingChristmasBoxingDay!


Now that's a display I'd like to see.

Where Politicians [should] Fear to Tread

With an outpouring of concern over former president Mandela's health earlier this month, it was easy to see how much South Africans love and respect him. So much so, that he could, and even should, be South Africa's very first saint.

But religion should have no place in the run-up to an election, local or national. With President Zuma's comments to a crowd of prospective voters this weekend, he has managed to incite not only leaders of various Christian churches and of other political parties, but even the most staunch of atheists. After all, if we had the Ten Commandments of Common Sense to follow, maybe we would all go to some logical heaven where presidents do not need to promise us entry into the afterlife for a cross on a ballot.

Talk about over-promising, though. Whatever happened to free housing, better taxes, creating more jobs? Why use your platform to punt paradise? Maybe if President Zuma and the rest of those in power spent more time fixing the country and less time insulting the electorate's intelligence, we could make South Africa a more heavenly place now.

I can't believe that the ANC now claims that the dangerous comments were only meant metaphorically. Spokesperson Jackson Mthembu said that if the word 'heaven' were inappropriate such names or phrases as 'Sweets from heaven' or a 'marriage made in heaven' would not exist. That's true. That's fine. But part of what President Zuma allegedly said was:

'When you get up there, there are different cards used but when you have an ANC card, you will be let through to go to heaven.'

There is no alternate or 'figurative' meaning to that statement. Forget your Dischem card, your Makro card, even your Blockbusters video card, only the ANC card can guarantee an eternal lifetime in heaven.

So as long as President Zuma is wielding his fork of power, and I do mean 'fork' in the exact figurative sense that he did, South Africa will be putting up with someone whose promises belong back in medieval times. Soon we may be burning witches at the stake again.

But as long as we only light the fires in a figurative sense, I guess they'll be okay.

Sky News is for the Birds...

I used to enjoy the news. Even the bad news. Because at least it was well-formulated and thought through. And, this being the most important fact when it comes to news, it was new. But it seems that with greater access to various media comes a spreading out of content - a measly thin smear of facts and opinion that are recycled endlessly.

Okay, maybe that's not fair. If you want analysis and detail, you can find it in vomit-inducing quantities. On Sky News. It's like they choose one top story for that day (or week) and drag it out so slowly it's like watching a shy stripper. The biggest news of 2010 (according to them, at least) is the engagement of Prince William to Kate Middleton. Alright, so royal nuptials don't just happen every day. It is news-worthy, especially to a British audience. But, my oh my, the details that have emerged.

I know so much about the engagement and the upcoming wedding that I am starting to believe I am Kate's best friend and that my invitation is surely in the mail. I know about the ring that was Princess Di's. I know she picked it in 1981 as her engagement ring from Prince Charles. I know that some believe the ring belonged to Harry, but that he let his brother have it. I know that the Queen is hosting the reception at Buckingham Palace. I know Prince Charles will be hosting a special dinner after said reception. I know they will tie the royal knot (sounds like something a sailor would do on Her Majesty's Yacht, 'Secure it with the Royal Knot, yer moron!') on April 29 2011. The list goes on.

The ring, in case you missed it.

And it's not because I am a fan. It's because I left the TV on too long, and somehow it all became addictive watching. Everything is breaking news. I can't wait for the ticker tape to read 'BREAKING NEWS: Kate chooses chicken over turducken for the wedding menu' and think 'Good girl, Kate. I knew you'd listen to me. Everybody eats chicken.'

Ca$hing In

I have nothing against mindless consumerism, full-blown capitalism or the freedom of speech. However, there is one person on this planet that has me convinced we'd be better off in Stalinist Russia.

Ke$ha. She of the dollar sign in her name, and of 'tick tock' fame. You know, she sings like she talks, which gives you an spine-chilling idea of what a conversation with her would be like. She fails miserably as a singer. She sounds like an airhead from a show like The Hills. She fails as a songwriter (assuming she writes her own songs, which is unlikely. But then she fails to choose decent songs.) I could barely tolerate this bimbo when she burst into our lives with her 'bottle of Jack'. Then I had to put up with 'Your Love is my Drug', which made me wish heroin (or some other incredibly addictive and destructive chemical) was actually her drug. And, lastly, she fails as a human being. Putting herself out into the world proudly for the next generation of girls to look up to and boys to lust after is just plain wrong.

And now there's 'We R Who We R'. You can witness humanity's certain downfall yourself in her new video (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mXvmSaE0JXA) Her glitter-caked, spaced-out eyes, the nose ring, the crucifix-earring in one ear, all the gold and the kitsch glitz. And the lyrics. Oh, for shame. From 'You don't wanna mess with us / I've got Jesus on my necklace' to making up words 'Looking sick and sexy-fied'.

It's, like, me, only sexy-fied.

And if I wanted to listen to a blonde attention-whore, Lady Gaga is by far the cleverer and more talented of the two. She at least gets that while bubblegum pop is brainless, it doesn't have to mean your fans are brain dead.